A DAY AT THE HORSE’S ASS RACES

October 4, 2023 -Durt Fibo

Here’s your punters’ form for today:

LAME-O: Rule 26 of the House Republican Conference: a “member of the Republican Leadership shall step aside if indicted for a felony for which a sentence of two or more years imprisonment may be imposed.” For the Sport of Kings, this equates to Trump gaining on odds of nomination by Marjorie Taylor Green and Troy Nehls.

SEX COACH TORQUEMADA: Coming up: Rep. Jim Jordan (Ohio -round on the ends and high in the middle), infamous for long-standing accusations of having knowledge of Ohio State University’s wrestling team physician Richard Strauss’ alleged sexual misconduct. Jordan himself was an assistant wrestling coach at the time, which naturally led to a career in politics. Became a founder of the extremist, ironically named House Freedom Caucus, which naturally led to his appointment as head of the House Judiciary Committee. He treadmilled in this position by attempting to shut down most all legal processes against Trump, and roasting Hunter Biden on a spit while trying to implicate President Joe Biden by association.

FREE RANGE KLANSMAN: Steve Scalise, who once boasted of himself as “David Duke without the baggage”, referring to his erstwhile associate, former Grand Whizzer of the KKK hails from Louisiana and is not Creole. Currently the House Majority Leader, he put meat on his bones by chairing the oxymoronic Republican Study Committee, opposing the Violence Against Women Act, the Affordable Care Act, gun control, marijuana legalization, unhonkified gender options, Liz Cheney, and refused to acknowledge President Biden’s Presidential victory.

HEAD CHEESEHEAD: Thomas Earl Emmer Jr. of Wisconsin is counted qualified as the current Majority Whip, or Miracle Whip, as his family calls him in church. Rising from beneath the hockey rink, to insurance shyster, to losing an election for Governor, Emmer eminated light through enough moral holes that he in turn attracted PAC monies enough to win a seat in the US House of Representatives. In public, Emmer likes to hate: investigations into January 6^th, minimum wage hikes, the Affordable Care Act, abortion, taxes on the lordly rich, non missionary sex practitioners and non non-Semites. He heard his true starting shot in 2022, when he showed America a promotional video of himself firing an automatic gun with a “Fire Pelosi” headline.

BETTER THAN NOTHING, ACCORDING TO SOME: We might again have to talk about Kevin. That is, Kevin Hern, Representative for Oklahomoklahomoklahomaoklahoma, who displayed his geographical perspicacity by announcing his possible run with the words: “I’m going to go listen to the Texas delegation.” This explains why he is now Chair of the Republican Study Committee. This logic similarly prodded his trajectory from quitting astronautical engineering after seeing the 1986 Challenger space shuttle calamity and going to work at McDonald’s instead, which put him in the race for political principles, which is why he supported lawsuits against Biden assuming the President’s office he was elected to. Hernia (his gentle, side) has shown tender affection for virtually ever anti-immigrant law and contrivance his party has put forth, while Hern (his gonadal side) has fought down to his loincloth against temporary suspensions of the debt ceiling, just to make sure nothing like public funding escapes alive.

THE FLOGGING NAG: At the very tail end of the concourse, we find that Maryland Rep. Andy Harris has just posted: “Congressman Byron Donalds should be considered as the next Speaker of the House”. Having pled guilty to felony charges involving defrauding a bank as recently as 2020, ex-drug dealer Donalds was once mooted as a “compromise” winner during the McCarthy heats nine months ago, at which point I covered his stumbles in an article in Der Koolschrank,