THE CHRISTMAS ARTICLE

Durt Fibo, December 24, 2024

     Around the year 2009 a specifically Christian puzzle was explored in The Journal of Urology: Although the Bible says that Jesus was circumcised 8 days after he was born, medieval scholars went crazy trying to determine what happened to his foreskin. -Did Jesus’ foreskin stay on earth? Was the foreskin reunited with Jesus and did it go to heaven with him? Or did the foreskin go to heaven separately, on its own?

     The first argument had much weight to it, as some 21 churches are known to have claimed to have the foreskin. Also, St. Catherine of Sienna was said to have worn it as a ring on her finger. Which finger we do not know.

     However, an Austrian nun, Agnes Blannbekin (1244-1315), eventually became so obsessed with this important issue that she claimed to have “felt the Lord’s foreskin on her tongue, and swallowed it with great sweetness” some 100 times. Rewarding her devotion, Jesus revealed to her that his foreskin was resurrected with him on Easter. -So those other guys were just bullshitting!

     But, later, in the 17th century, the hard-working theologian Leo Allatius seems to have settled the whole problem after a lifetime of thought: Jesus’ foreskin definitely ascended into the heavens at the same time as Jesus and then became the rings of Saturn. Which would prove that Jesus was a bigger man than we had imagined.