PUTIN’S MEANINGLESS NEW JESTER

January 11, 2023 -Durt Fibo

Today saw the Russian comedic court rising on their haunches to laud the potent sagacity of a new jester appointed in charge of the war on Ukraine. Selected personally by former construction foreman -now Defense Minister of the shriveling Russian Federation, despite never having served in any military- Sergei Shoigu, General Valery Gerasimov has been promoted to Ober Kommandant of the “special operation.”

Already Chief of the General Staff, and a revered victor of 2014’s slaughter of Ilovaisk, Gerasimov is replacing Sergei Surovikin, until now known as “General Armageddon” not only for his glorious defeats in Afghanistan, Tajikistan and the Second Chechen War, but for earning his in nom de guignol in 2017’s Syria with his ingenious tactics of annihilating civilian-occupied cities and infrastructure by bombardment. The Kremlin explained that Surovikin, having gallantly and steadily retreated from both Ukrainian territory, as well as the (briefly) new annexed swathes of ‘Russia’, would for now remain, but merely as Gerasimov’s deputy -no doubt near an open window.

Further court amusements were provided by the bald head of the Wagner mercenary group, Yevgeny Prigozhin, who has prematurely ejaculated claims of having seized Soledar, and attempting to prove it by posing for selfies with his army of zeks. From the photos Prigozhin posted on his anti-social media channels, it appears that the zeks have been released from prison only to find themselves condemned to a life sentenced working in salt mines